Venom

My last update was in 2013, 3 years ago. Today, 10th November im here again. My past memories and grudges haunt me again. Its been 16 years since I last saw her. So much has happened. She wasn't with us. I bet she is happily with her own family. Often I asked myself, how could a person be so cruel to do this. How could she? Is the pain she gone through make her become whom she is today? Why she left? Why she hasn't called? She aint stupid or incapable to search for us. Or I would say there isnt any effort done. My questions will remain unanswered.Unknown.
Despite her absence, we manage to survive. Grandpa stayed with me till his last breath, grandma forever will be there support me even thou she grown old, dad stayed.with us all the time and sis will grow old with me. Dad stayed with us for all these years. Looking after us along with grandparents. Im so grateful they are with me, watched me grow and guiding me all the way till today.
I guess this feeling is like a venom root deep down in my heart.i shall never be able to understand, forgive or forget.
I will keep reminding myself to cherish the life ahead of me with the wonderful person I met and decided to grow old with. Hopefully in time to come, I am able to cure the venom inside of me.

agony

it just wont last. Everything does not last. even how sweet it is at the very first start. how happy you were. how many things youve been thru. everything doesnt seems to matter. there is no everlasting or happily ever after like what most people hope for. Welcome to the human world....

True love does not exist. I hate to admit this. But it's true. will there ever be some1 protecting you all the time? think of you? miss u? love u as much or anything else in this world?goes a thousand miles for you? all this question, i throw it back to myself. NO. i myself cant do that, so that expect in return.

What is there in life for me?Until now i cant find my path. I do not know what i want in life.
What to live for. i thought i found it at first. but when days comes by. i realize its another pain in my life. Another pinch of salt has been addded to the wound.

work my ass off. that's what ive been doing. beside that, i really wish to sleep and not to wake up anymore. im tired. im so fucking tired of life.fucking tired of everything.
I cant solve the problem. i just wish i dissappeared. that i wont remember anything or will be remember by anyone. i just wanna let go of everything,
im really so damn tired. inside out.gosh.

if only im not that stuborn. if only im not that bad tempered. if only i could be more understanding, if only i can be patient.if only i can stop comparing. if only my mind can stop functioning. if only i could control my emotion.i guess it might be better. well, i rather be dead.
who am i? what am i? i wanna stay away. i wanna be alone. i just wanna be alone.away from everyone.left alone and die.just let go of everything. FML.

handicapped

Yeap. This is what i felt now. Without transport i didnt get to go plenty of places. Hmmmm...
this is life. We need to give and take. Namaste namaste. I tell myself. Get some sleep and tommorrow will be a better day.

Went to lunch at four season. Nice restaurant. Hope to bring my ah pek there one day.
Dinner, lou sang with my beloved Godfamily. Who had always be there for me....
Had a wonderful time =)

Goodnight, my diary.

Happy Chinese New year~~

Its 3:56 am now and im still awake =) Preparing to watch Madagascar 1 to cheer myself up.
Just had a lil chat with my dearie cous. the one who always has been there. I thanked you for your patience,time and advice given to me.
Again i was lost track. Perhaps i am too tired or too worried. I was happy to be home until i got scolded again. that sucks. then i felt dissapointed on the plan....and i was worrying bout things that had been happening around me. i guess i Think too much think too much.....
namaste namaste....just go with the flow. stay on ur own and make no call n stay invisible.
Life is not what it seems to be...

Tioman Part I

Went to Tioman on April. My first pic is this. Huge 'MOTOR'.



The seats.Nostalgia.
The ulu bus station- Kluangand i found bumble bee~!

jetty...swarms of ppl..

and..aL's favourite =)

19Th July 09

Relieved.

Yea, that's the word. Felt so good when you pour it all to the big mouth guy. He just ate it all up - my big mouth guy =) I was awake since an hour ago. Couldnt sleep as yesterday's incident haunt me.

It's about grandma. I never allow anyone to torture, scold, humiliate, or make my grandma felt sad. Especially outsiders. This time i lost. I stood there, helpless and see the unkind lady does it.

It's a long story which i do not wish to pen it down. Overall, my grandma does not deserve all this. Let's just try to endure another month. If everything is fine tommorrow, then we will not have to leave straight away & wasted $1K. Dear God, please, let grandma be safe & happy. *prays*

I had a long chat with sai ko a ee today. It's such a coincidence that she drop by today. We talked so much. Work, life & what i would want to know the most, my childhood moments. I have to say, i do not rememeber most of my childhood happy moments. All i had was a nightmare till now. Never anyone mentioned about it to me. I think Im like the Monkey God. 'Sek tau pao chut lei' =P. Ok. Enough of all this emo emo things. Let's move on.

It is 4AM in the morning, i'm planning to go for Mcd breakfast =) Usually i will be snoring or preparing to sleep at this hour. I did not regret sleeping at 9PM on Saturday.

Oh ya =) I just found out that i do not have to apply leave for my coming Trip =) Yippie. Taiwan on 26th Aug to 2nd Sep. I'm allowed to carry forward the balance exception leave to Aug. This means i have 3 off days in Aug. Then in Sep another 2 days of exception leave, which bring a total of 5 days off without applying for annual leave! Seronoknya aku!

Gotta go stuff some food to my stomach now. Adios!

16th July 09

I cried.
Yes, i did. It all happen so sudden. I thought today will be a non-hectic day, who knows everything went upside down. shame shame i cried =,( worked till 10PM today. very the-cham.

Last minute catch up dinner with aL & ced with the big mouth guy. So happy he came to fetch me =) went straight home after that. Felicia invites me to her birthday dinner on Monday =) So fast another year d. Plan to get a doggie bear for her.

Weekend plan- ON. Visiting my former school with aL. Inviting choo, mich, anu and...not sure who else...

That's all for today. Gotta go bath!